


Stone Number One

by Lennelle



Series: Next of Kin [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brothers, Gen, Hallucifer, Hallucinations, Hospitalization, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Reunions, Sam Winchester and Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 22:32:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11450421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lennelle/pseuds/Lennelle
Summary: In hospital, Sam tries to separate fiction from reality.





	Stone Number One

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this chapter months ago but completely forgot to post it! When I wrote it, I planned for this to be the end, but re-reading it now is kind of changing my mind. Cas hasn't made an appearance yet, after all...

There are spiders in the nurse's hair. Small and quick enough that it's like static on an old television set. He wonders if he should tell her, but she doesn't seem to notice them. Sam decides to keep quiet. Ignorance can be bliss.

He tries not to jerk away when she takes his arm, he really tries, but he can't help it. She smiles so gently it's almost like she's not smiling at all, and she says something in that soft voice you might use when trying to coax your dog out from under the table on the 4th July. She wraps the cuff around his upper arm and he tries not to squirm when it clenches him tight. He tries not to think of the Cage, or Lucifer squeezing and squeezing until there's nothing left in him, like a tube of toothpaste. It's irreversible.

Today is a bad day. Sam knows that. Sam is living it. He knows better than anyone, despite what everyone else seems to think. He woke up with guilt festering in his gut, although he can't think why.

He looks back up and sees that the spiders are gone from the nurse's hair. He sighs, relieved, until he begins to wonder where the spiders went instead. He's too tired to really think much about it, barely hears the nurse tell him to go brush his teeth before breakfast starts in twenty minutes. Something moves in the corner of his eye, trying to grab his attention, but Sam refuses to look, tries to focus on putting his slippers on instead.

_"There's a lady who's sure All that glitters is gold And she's buying the stairway to heaven..."_

Good song, Dean had said once. Not fifty times in a row, Sam had replied. That all seems like such a long time ago, when Sam was trying so desperately to shove all the Hell back down, to stop it spilling out of his head and rotting everything in its wake. There's no fixing the broken dam this time. It had been for Dean's sake, mostly. He needed to be okay back then, to watch out for Dean.

_Screwed that one up, didn't you, Sammy? Remind me again, where is Dean?_

And Cas' sacrifice, his willingness to take on Sam's pain, that had all been for nothing. Look where Sam is now. Fifty-one-fiftied.

Breakfast is quiet. Sam's way too tired to make conversation, trying too hard not to push his tray away and go back to sleep right there in the cafeteria. He stirs the oatmeal until it's cold, drooping off his fork in a congealed mess. He empties a couple of sugar packets into it, but the taste is still off. Blood, he thinks, and a hint of sulphur. He glances around. No black eyes, but he isn't taking any chances. He pushes the bowl away and heads down to the rec room.

"Sam," someone calls his name, and it takes him a moment longer than it should to realise it's the nurse with the medicine cart. She holds out a little paper cup and says, "Have you eaten? You know you can't take these on an empty stomach."

Sam figures one spoonful of oatmeal is enough to make his stomach not empty. He takes the cup, about to tip the pills into his mouth, but he quickly stops himself.

"Some of these are different," he says, eyes narrowed with suspicion.

The nurse puts on that gentle smile everyone around here seems to have mastered. "The doctor spoke to you about this, remember? She decided to put you on some different meds and dosages. You've been taking these for a couple of weeks. Do you remember that, honey?"

Sam doesn't remember. He doesn't remember a lot of things these days. He isn't sure which of his memories are real and which are falsehoods created by Lucifer. He isn't sure how many days it's been since he arrived here, or how many days it's been since he last saw his brother. He isn't sure if Dean is dead or not. He isn't entirely sure if he's still in the cage or not. He mutters  _Christo_  under his breath, just to be safe. The nurse's eyes remain a soft blue.

He washes down the pills.

The rec room is mostly empty since the majority of the other patients are still eating breakfast. Sam finds a seat far from anyone else in the corner and sits with his eyes on the room. One little mistake, that's all he'd need to know if Lucifer is behind this... or a flash of black eyes to know if demons are behind this... or Dean or Jody or... how can you tell what's real and what isn't when your mind has been shattered countless times?

Sam doesn't remember which is the truth. Is Dean gone? Is he out of the cage? Did Cas really come back? Things used to be so clear, now his brain is a mess, sloshing around inside his head, filled with his soupy thoughts.

He tries to keep watch, he really tries, but his eyes are dipping closed and in the next moment he's jerking awake at the touch of the doctor's hand on his arm.

"Will we be seeing you in 10.30 group, Sam?" she asks. Sam isn't sure why she says it like there's an option. Sam nods, because that's the answer she's expecting. She smiles, pleased, and says, "How are you feeling, Sam? I know it's been hard adjusting to the new dosages, but you're doing a lot better, yes?"

Again, she's talking like she already knows the answer, like she's completely fixed all of Sam's problems. She doesn't stick around for a reply, already striding off to speak with another patient. Somehow, Sam gets roped into a game of chess with an older guy named Howard, who mumbles his grocery list to himself. Lucifer whispers suggestions in Sam's ear.  _Not sure I'd do that, if I were you. The answer is right there._

Sam makes his winning move with a smile on his face. Howard slumps and says, "I forgot the milk."

_Atta boy, Sammy! See, it pays to listen to me sometimes._

He sits through group, tries to drown out everyone else's voices. He doesn't really want to listen to everyone's sob story, just like he's sure no one would want to hear his. The doctor asks for his input, but no, Sam would not like to share today. It's a bad day, you see. There it is again; guilt tingling through him.

When Jody arrives, Sam gets up and hugs her for a long time. He isn't sure when he last saw her, or what he might have done to get himself confined for a few days, or how bad it must have been to have his dosages changed. He must have done something pretty bad considering the pained look on Jody's face.

"I'm sorry," he says automatically. "I'm really sorry if I did something to upset you or - or hurt you."

She smiles and places her hand over his. "You didn't do anything to upset me, Sam. Don't worry." She pauses. "Do you remember what happened a couple of weeks ago?"

Sam tries to think but he can't put anything in the right order. His high school prom was after Dean sold his soul... or the cage came before he was born. He knows that can't be right.

"I'm trying," he tells Jody. "But there's  _so much_. I can't get it in order, I don't know. I don't know what day it is."

"It's Thursday, honey," Jody says. "Do you remember Dean?"

"He..." Sam frowns, trying to think back. "He went to live with Lisa. No. He, um. He went after Dick Roman and... Dick Roman was strangling him. I think."

"He did kill Roman, you're right," she says, voice lowered. "And Dean went away for a while, not intentionally. But he's back now. Remember?"

Sam doesn't remember. Or he thinks he doesn't. It's only then that he realises Jody is talking to him like the nurses do, like he's about to split apart in rage any moment, like he's a temperamental child to be calmed.

Sam closes his eyes and tries to shift through the chaos. There's so much of the Cage, he was there for so long, it's like an eclipse over his life topside. Sometimes he recalls the face of Lucifer's first vessel more clearly than he can his own father's.

Dean. Dean was dead for the second time. Dead for good. And then he wasn't. He was here, and Sam...

"Oh, God," Sam says, remembering. He looks to Jody. "Did I... Is he okay?"

She smiles like the sun finally came out after a month of rain. "He's fine."

"Is he here? Can I see him? Does he want to see me?"

Jody grins and pats him on the knee. She takes him by the hand and pulls him to his feet, then leads him out of the rec room and into the empty hallway. But it's not empty. Not completely. There are a couple of orderlies standing by one wall.

And Dean is there.

Sam lets go of Jody's hand and crosses the hall in a second. He pauses right in front of Dean, hesitant to get any closer. Dean must hate him. Sam thinks of himself, filled up and high on it, the smell of Ruby all over him, pressing down on Dean's throat.  _If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back._

"Come here, you big girl," Dean says, and yanks Sam into his arms. Sam could stay there forever, where the feel of Dean's heartbeat and the sound of his breath by Sam's ear is enough to drown out Lucifer's voice. Stone number one.

"I'm sorry," Sam says, over and over because once won't be enough. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know it was you. Don't let me forget. Don't let him trick me again."

Dean sighs, deep and weary, and tightens his grip. "Don't worry about it, little brother. I'll get you better."

And Sam believes him.


End file.
